Am I Ready For This??????!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!

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I am scared………No, I’m terrified! I can’t even front no more. There I admitted it!  I’ve come face to face with death….but that only scared me….I’ve seen my life flash before my eyes, wondering if I would live to see another day…yet that only scared me….But what I’m about to do is so terrifying……We are about to open the doors of our church and I’m terrified!!!!!

Never in my life did I think I would marry someone who was predestined to be a Pastor….but never in my life did I think I would be Pastoring a church with my predestined Pastor husband. I think “reality” kicked in for me these past two weeks. We’ve been doing the renovations to the building God blessed us with to house the ministry.  Where we have set up camp is right in the middle of Sodom & Gomorrah.  We are in the thick of a sin infested area that needs true deliverance.  I’m terrified because I don’t know it all….Even if I did know it all I would still be terrified.  I’m terrified because I don’t want to do anything to misrepresent God.  I don’t want to do anything for God to not get the glory.  I want every word that is shared to be in love.  I want my light to really shine. I want to have that boldness to pray right on the spot for someone.  I want to be able to stand on the word confidently.  I want to have a heart in…..I don’t want to just be a pretty face….I want to be able to get ugly and dirty if I need to….

I’m learning it’s so much more to being a Pastor then just preaching Sunday morning service or Wednesday night bible study.  You have to truly have a heart for people. It’s a lot of prayer and fasting.  Its many nights of studying just to be able to speak the right word of truth in love without judgment.   I’m learning there are many times of hurt because you see so potential in others and try to get them to see that same greatness but they can’t.  You’re hurt because they don’t want to be free.  It hurts you to keep pouring into someone only to watch the words spill on to the ground. It hurts to see people know what is right but yet they continue to do wrong. I’m also learning that you can’t give up because there is that one that still needs to be reached; there is that one that needs to hear God speak through you.

As I type this blog, I’m crying.  I’m crying because……. I’m filled with so much right now.  Fear, anxiety, doubt, reservation…..I know none of that is of God…..but I’m being honest with what is going through my mind right now.  Would I be wrong if I didn’t express it?  I know God’s word: I know I can do all things through Him; I know that He hasn’t given me a spirit of fear……But I also know that “I’m human”.  I don’t use that as an excuse. I know what I am and who I am. I just know that keeping the thoughts and feelings to myself isn’t good. 

As a minister and upcoming Pastor’s wife….I need help. I’m not “churched”. I didn’t grow up in the church. I don’t know “church protocol” or “church etiquette”. I’m from the street….well not really from the street but there so much I need to know about being a Pastor’s wife.  I know there is MORE to it than just being someone who sits beside my husband during service.  I’m not just a trophy piece.  I’m not just a figure head……So many times I’ve asked God really? Are you SURE about this? ME?  I need to know that I’m not the only one who has felt that way……..

Am I ready for this?  In my mind NO….but obviously God thinks I am so I have no choice but to go with the flow. And because He placed me here I know He is going to take care of me.

Thanks for reading!
Be Blessed
HizRareJewl

Comments

  1. CRBrothersJanuary 9, 2012 at 1:44 PM

    You can reach ppl more by not knowing church etiquette and etc....just like you flow with your husband in marriage, flow with him in ministry.....use the wisdom God has giving you to minister to young women and couples to do things the right way, the Bible when it come to relationships and how to be saved and still have fun, laugh a little.....be encouraged you will do fine....as you will be mother to many and a big sister to some.....God bless you and keep the faith....it's the same thing but different arena in other words keep praying and worship as they are used as tools tools for the position you will have....blessings Courtney

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